deathbed
I’m facing the ceiling, a white amalgam of countless mixtures. cement, dust, air.
I could be anywhere. I’m terminally ill and in the emergency room. I’m in a nursing home. I’m in my own home.
I see my children around me, their eyes full of sadness. oh, the poor things.
I think to myself: looking back, what would you have wanted done in this short life?
parents: parents are blood. from the moment of my inception, a bond was formed between me and my caretakers. have I done what I could in earnest to repay this love, this bond responsible for shaping so much of my thinking, so much of my life? have I made sure that the seeds of my work are embedded with the values and morals taught to me?
community: community is unity. from the moment of my inclusion into society, a bond was formed between me and my neighbors. have I, with my knowledge and skills, given back to my community? have I not been selfish, instead being altruistic enough to spread my love to the people around me? have I echoed the sentiment that no man is an island, that we must return to the earth what the earth has granted to us? have I made an impact so as to be able to eavesdrop on a child across the street exclaiming: mommy! do you see that man over there? I want to be like him when I grow up.
family: family is life. from the moment of our lifelong vows at the altar, a bond was formed between my spouse, my children, and me. have I, to the best of my ability, given my children love? have I shown my spouse that with commitment and the will and effort to fall in love over and over again—despite becoming dull, be it due to infatuation coming to an end or countless fights—that life is that much easier to trek through with someone dear by my side? have I made sure to not let my children slip into complacency—that they are responsible for their own financials, that they always strive to be better? have I provided for this family, supplying it with happy days and loving nights?
nothing else really matters. a career is flexible, and it certainly will not be on my mind when the time comes.
and of course, the big question: can I say that I have made a difference in the world, adding my decades of knowledge to this vast archive spanning millennia?