adulthood

I’m different.

videogames no longer entertain me. they once did, but that was perhaps due to my stress on graphics and visual fidelity.

now, I find more entertainment in well-executed dialogue against a backdrop of political turmoil—Game of Thrones, still my favorite show.

time is more of a privilege now. it’s no longer a commodity.

I’m almost 19 already. one year of college passed by in the blink of an eye.

with these changes also comes my questioning of my ideologies.

is having a group of interspersed, close friends wiser than having a central group of close friends? is not having one sole “best friend” okay? is talking to these close friends maybe once a week still enough?

when good things happen to me, when bad things happen to me, when I need a shoulder to lean on, I have all of these people—I just don’t have a central person. I suppose that takes away from the experience as well. there’s been no consistency in constant company since Yarim. nobody to call at an instant’s notice, nobody to share beautiful morning slumbers with. again, this is all probably just part of the phantom limb resulting from the breakup.

perhaps that will come again when I’m settled down with my future and my career and ready for a relationship. who knows when that will be—a year, three years, five years down the road? I imagine someone who’ll bask in my joys, cry in my sorrows, someone who’ll allow me to do the same for them. nothing else will matter—just maturity, love, understanding, benevolence, and respect. education won’t matter, height won’t matter, appearance won’t matter, among other things.

Minhtam is great, and we’ve shared our talks together, but as of now, we haven’t had a proper conversation in almost two weeks; she says she’s busy, but I know all too well that that’s an excuse.

I thought summer’s purpose was to clear up schedules and open up new paths, but how ironic is it that 3-hour Skype calls happened the week before finals and week-long blanks happen now? it probably won’t go anywhere, but I’m thankful for those talks that we did have.

maybe it was a mistake to fall in love at such a young age; being whole and independent is great, but I feel like I’m not living to the fullest. who and what would I be now had I chosen to shield myself from love, had I chosen to grow for myself to the fullest in academics and life within these next few years before thinking about love’s role in my life?

and besides love, there’s also the financial factor. hospital bills, W4s, tax witholding… I have to start taking care of those things now. I’m not just some provided-for teenager anymore.

adulthood is something else.