3 days

in 3 days’ time, I will be home.

the bad memories still haven’t left in their entirety—is it the loneliness? or, perhaps, is it because I’m not surrounded by familiar faces and known locales? there’s little here to “distract” me. there’s little here that allows me to forget.

at times, I envy those who’ve been lucky enough to stay in San Jose amongst their loved ones. they’re in an environment that poses little challenge to them. in that kind of environment, what sadness is in your heart is easily fixed by the company and love of those around you—people you’ve known for years, people who’ll care and not shrug off your words with replies based only on hospitality.

she’s okay because she’s in her environment. she’s a mere ten miles away from Queens—that’s less than the distance from San Jose to Milpitas. her parents, despite their grievances with her, still love her. her friends, though not the kind of people I’d make friends of mine, care for her and are there for her.

I envy her.

it’s disconcerting that I know so much more about New York than I do about Boston. too much codependency changed me, and even now, I’m still recovering from its effects.

I spent my first semester here caring for one person.

I’d never been like that before in my life. not with Rufhiline, not with Kimberly, not with Selina.

the friends I had I neglected in favor of my heart. there were days when I was simply crushed by the weight of work, and still, I sacrificed and pulled through everything, finishing three problem sets in two days just so that I could stop by HMart and get a cake for us on a Thursday night.

I loved her that much.

I dozed in intervals throughout the day, and because so much was tossed at me, I wasn’t able to stay up on the nights during which she needed me.

how am I supposed to be with someone who doesn’t stay up for me, who can’t stay up for me?

those words hurt. I’d never told her just how much my work was crushing me. I shrugged it off. one day more, and I come closer to seeing her. with that thought of love, I pulled through every single day, internally leashing my own complaints. to hear that she couldn’t be with me because of something I couldn’t control was devastating. did she ever realize how much I’d been hurting? I don’t know.

a leap in time here—second semester’s been a calm wave. going from a 61 on the Physics I final to an 84.5 on the Physics II final is pretty much self-explanatory. it’s indicative of just how much more I’ve been able to do this semester.

the wave is calm, and I’m still okay. life doesn’t stop its progression for anyone.

I’d like to be rid of these thoughts and memories, but perhaps they’ll never truly leave. you were my first. not just through that which I would now take back, but through everything else. I’d never spent hours alone with someone. I’d never looked into someone’s eyes and felt my world shake. I’d never placed someone so much above myself.

it’s a shame that we misunderstood each other. I’d always wanted to give you the world. my goal has always been to make you happy and to make you smile. I don’t know how many times I told you that, but I meant it. I wouldn’t remember it now if I didn’t mean it. none of it was a lie.

you wanted loving words and expressive actions from someone who functions and processes things 85% internally. sure, actions speak louder than words, but what of the things inside of me?

was not my love enough? even now, you don’t know how much I wandered the streets of Lower Manhattan, looking left and right for sunflowers that would take your mind off of your hard days. I saw orchids and roses and rejected them. I wanted to find the perfect sunflowers for you.

there’s so much that happened behind the scenes.

you don’t know how much I longed for you to see my attempts at action. I stepped away from my norm so that I could give you the actions you wanted.

and when I came to the Brooklyn Bridge on the Wednesday of that week, remembering our day by the shore. she’s so beautiful, I thought.

I wish you’d seen.

I don’t know who you are anymore. I haven’t seen you in four months. I don’t know what you’re doing right now. I don’t know if you’ll ever read this.

I only hope that the impending summer allows me to forget you as I so dearly want. I have a lot to look forward to with friends, family, and learning.

3 days left.